Last week I was at a kid's carnival where I saw a mother yelling at her kid for doing mischief. It grabbed my attention, not because the kid was getting scolded but because I could relate to the lady.
I immediately went into flashback and remembered that day when I had screamed at my twins so bad that within a fraction of a second they had tears rolling down their cheeks. I was mortified.
It made me realize that this isn't the kind of mom I had wanted to be.
That day, I promised myself that I would never yell on my kids again.
Suddenly, my husband asked me, "Do you find something different after not yelling at our kids over the past 6 months?"
Well yes, he was correct! I actually hadn't yelled at my kids in a long time.
But did it make any difference, I stood there thinking.
Comparing the past and the present I can say, it definitely has made a difference.
Not that my kids aren't naughty anymore, they sure are, naughtier than ever.
But not yelling on them has brought a difference in me. And now I don't have to tell them twice, they listen to me in the first time itself.
It would probably take me more than a blog post to fit in all my learning, but I'll share the top 7 things I learnt from the change I brought in my parenting style.
1. I now get a peaceful sleep at night.
A sleep with no guilt of having scolded the kids. A sleep after getting hugs and kisses from my kids saying, "you're the best momma ever".
Not that I let my kids do what they want. I still am strict and a mean mom when it comes to doing things the right way, but just a bit manipulative in handling them, their fights and their tantrums.
2. Yelling doesn't really work.
Its a vicious cycle. You yell at them, use harsh words, they might listen for the first few times but then become immune to it.
Gradually their behaviour worsens and they start to misbehave. This is when you escalate your yelling and criticism.
And this goes on and on and sometimes goes out of control.
Give an alternative to the child. Example, if he throws a ball on the wall and you don't want him to do it, instead of yelling, tell him not to do it inside the house, rather go outside and play.
Also tell him the consequences that if he doesn't listen then you will have to give the ball a time out.
It might be that the child will test your resolve. He might throw the ball again. You do not say anything to the child but take his ball. This gives him the idea that when mom says to do something, the child needs to follow it.
3. Children learn what they see at home.
Kids learn in a number of ways, one of which is imitating. What you do will be copied by your child. Teaching kids to handle problems and situations tactfully is wiser than shouting.
Every interaction and situation is a learning opportunity for kids , but what they will learn is up to us parents.
4. Kids are just kids, they are too small to behave like adults.
We sometimes have a lot of expectations from our kids. We want them to not be naughty and do everything perfectly, not to shout, not to paint the wall etc. But we as parents forget that these little ones are still little.
Everything and every situation is a new learning for them. To be attentive, to be responsible, to have etiquettes.
They are still in their learning phase, in literally everything.
If we try to get into our kids's shoes we would realise how burdened they might be feeling.
If we adults were in such a situation, we would not want anyone to shout on us on doing a mistake (tell me if I am wrong), so why yell at these little ones. Think!
5. You develop a relationship of trust with your kid, something to be cherished forever
The other day, my daughter before going to sleep came to me and said, "Momma, I tried to do this but I could not, will you please help me so I do not fail again".
I felt so proud to see my daughter having trust in me.
She knew I would not be mad at her for not being in bed so late, rather she shared her stress with me. And am glad that I came to know what had been troubling her and making her feel stressed.
I am sure she would not have gathered the guts to come up and talk to me if she thought that I am a mom who constantly keeps yelling.
6. Mostly, I am wrong not them.
As kids they are supposed to explore different things and situations. Some go fine and some go wrong. But being impulsive in every situation is not the solution.
A person shouts mostly when he is tired or stressed about a situation. Acknowledge your problem and try to be calm. It is tough to do so but not impossible.
7. Its tough to not yell, but it isn't impossible.
To not yell is not easy, it needs a lot of self control and impulse control to master this but I can guarantee, that it is not impossible.
To start with, just take long breaths whenever you feel like shouting. Picture your breath coming up to your gut. This would relax you in a few seconds.
Try cognitive restructuring, meaning, change the way you think. Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything or make you feel better. Tell yourself that this is not the end of the world and can be handled by being calm. Basically, train your mind to not go in the negative direction.
All the above are my thoughts and experiences after having a no-yelling environment in my family for over 6 months now. My kids I feel are happier than before, more confident than before (probably because they know they are not going to be in trouble), and I am more at ease even though the situations are more or less the same and the naughtiness is increasing.
Here's a disclaimer: The life that we all parents want, where our households become a perfect place with the most obedient kids is actually unreal. Not yelling would only help you be less stressed and help your kids be more calm and happy. But yes their tantrums are lesser and they mostly respect your instructions.
And the best part is that you would be able to handle things maturely as opposed to being a maniac with your own temper tantrum. And of-course "The Best Momma or Daddy", which am sure is a phenomenal feeling.
Copyright © 2016 Twinny Lives All rights reserved. Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material and images without express and written permission from this blog's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Twinny Lives with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
It made me realize that this isn't the kind of mom I had wanted to be.
That day, I promised myself that I would never yell on my kids again.
Suddenly, my husband asked me, "Do you find something different after not yelling at our kids over the past 6 months?"
Well yes, he was correct! I actually hadn't yelled at my kids in a long time.
But did it make any difference, I stood there thinking.
Comparing the past and the present I can say, it definitely has made a difference.
Not that my kids aren't naughty anymore, they sure are, naughtier than ever.
But not yelling on them has brought a difference in me. And now I don't have to tell them twice, they listen to me in the first time itself.
It would probably take me more than a blog post to fit in all my learning, but I'll share the top 7 things I learnt from the change I brought in my parenting style.
1. I now get a peaceful sleep at night.
A sleep with no guilt of having scolded the kids. A sleep after getting hugs and kisses from my kids saying, "you're the best momma ever".
Not that I let my kids do what they want. I still am strict and a mean mom when it comes to doing things the right way, but just a bit manipulative in handling them, their fights and their tantrums.
2. Yelling doesn't really work.
Its a vicious cycle. You yell at them, use harsh words, they might listen for the first few times but then become immune to it.
Gradually their behaviour worsens and they start to misbehave. This is when you escalate your yelling and criticism.
And this goes on and on and sometimes goes out of control.
Give an alternative to the child. Example, if he throws a ball on the wall and you don't want him to do it, instead of yelling, tell him not to do it inside the house, rather go outside and play.
Also tell him the consequences that if he doesn't listen then you will have to give the ball a time out.
It might be that the child will test your resolve. He might throw the ball again. You do not say anything to the child but take his ball. This gives him the idea that when mom says to do something, the child needs to follow it.
3. Children learn what they see at home.
Kids learn in a number of ways, one of which is imitating. What you do will be copied by your child. Teaching kids to handle problems and situations tactfully is wiser than shouting.
Every interaction and situation is a learning opportunity for kids , but what they will learn is up to us parents.
4. Kids are just kids, they are too small to behave like adults.
We sometimes have a lot of expectations from our kids. We want them to not be naughty and do everything perfectly, not to shout, not to paint the wall etc. But we as parents forget that these little ones are still little.
They are still in their learning phase, in literally everything.
If we try to get into our kids's shoes we would realise how burdened they might be feeling.
If we adults were in such a situation, we would not want anyone to shout on us on doing a mistake (tell me if I am wrong), so why yell at these little ones. Think!
5. You develop a relationship of trust with your kid, something to be cherished forever
The other day, my daughter before going to sleep came to me and said, "Momma, I tried to do this but I could not, will you please help me so I do not fail again".
She knew I would not be mad at her for not being in bed so late, rather she shared her stress with me. And am glad that I came to know what had been troubling her and making her feel stressed.
I am sure she would not have gathered the guts to come up and talk to me if she thought that I am a mom who constantly keeps yelling.
6. Mostly, I am wrong not them.
As kids they are supposed to explore different things and situations. Some go fine and some go wrong. But being impulsive in every situation is not the solution.
A person shouts mostly when he is tired or stressed about a situation. Acknowledge your problem and try to be calm. It is tough to do so but not impossible.
7. Its tough to not yell, but it isn't impossible.
To not yell is not easy, it needs a lot of self control and impulse control to master this but I can guarantee, that it is not impossible.
To start with, just take long breaths whenever you feel like shouting. Picture your breath coming up to your gut. This would relax you in a few seconds.
Try cognitive restructuring, meaning, change the way you think. Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything or make you feel better. Tell yourself that this is not the end of the world and can be handled by being calm. Basically, train your mind to not go in the negative direction.
All the above are my thoughts and experiences after having a no-yelling environment in my family for over 6 months now. My kids I feel are happier than before, more confident than before (probably because they know they are not going to be in trouble), and I am more at ease even though the situations are more or less the same and the naughtiness is increasing.
Here's a disclaimer: The life that we all parents want, where our households become a perfect place with the most obedient kids is actually unreal. Not yelling would only help you be less stressed and help your kids be more calm and happy. But yes their tantrums are lesser and they mostly respect your instructions.
And the best part is that you would be able to handle things maturely as opposed to being a maniac with your own temper tantrum. And of-course "The Best Momma or Daddy", which am sure is a phenomenal feeling.
Copyright © 2016 Twinny Lives All rights reserved. Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material and images without express and written permission from this blog's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Twinny Lives with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Bhabhi ji adopt great insight into the world of kids.....keep posting...thank u...
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